Relationships and Loss
Romantic relationships are a mixed blessing for me. I have had my share, including one marriage to the love of my life. I have very fond memories of and the highest regard for the women I have know. Only one relationship did I ever end and it was because of the way a woman I dated treated her children, (in ways that undercut their sense of security in a life that was uncertain in other ways). I like to think of myself as loyal and caring and forgiving: elements that should nurture a relationship. For reasons, I shall never understand, it has not worked for me. Apparently, my passive nature (which has been called by some as passive-aggressive) and my desire to avoid conflict, eats away at the relationship, too much goes unsaid. In my more cynical moments I think after a realtionship is over. "If I had been more aggressive and slapped her around a little. . . .she would still be around." Seems to work for others. (Men I don't admire and women I don't understand for putting up with it.)
I am convinced that women "like the bad boys." They are exciting and dangerous. They also can be deadly.
I also find I like strong independent women who have the smarts. They stand up for themselves and speak their mind. In the end, many have said, "as much as I love you, I have to move on for myself."
Romantic relationships have always brought me great pain. I can still physically remember the feelings of the loss of my first girl friend. She was killed in a car accident. I never got over the insult of my second girl friend, taking up with another guy while she was away working at a summer camp. She chose a cruel moment to let me know it was over. And then their was my wife. . . .she chose being single over being a wife and mother. The only model I had ever had was that of a dutiful and loving wife and mother, my mother! I actually believed in a lifetime of marriage to the one person. I actually thought I was in control. The lesson I learned from this is that "The person that cares the least controls the relationship." I also realized that women are not trustworthy. This dreadful judgement (for I prefer the company of women to that of men)
has tainted every relationship since. There have been several, including a couple with marriage clearly in mind. One my son made clear he didn't like; my commitment to him was absolute and of the first other. We were a family and any woman would be joining our family. Another, I just let the most opportune moment pass. Foolish me.
I do not believe people heal from broken relationships. I haven't. It took be over 20 years of thinking of my wife coming home again. Then one day I realized she was a different woman. One I did not know for we had moved in different directions for two decades. I carry the scars of broken realtionships. I can remember vividly the moments when pieces were torn off my soul and my heart was broken. I do have lots of scar tissue, (which I regret for a cherish my tenderheartedness and vulnerability.) This is part of my essential humanity. I have learned to survive and be realistically tough at times of sadness and disappointment when relationships end.
I just had another of those moments. My cherished friend Veronica has moved on for good this time. She has apparently found another (I have actually know this for some time.) She has moved to Tennessee to share a rural life with this fellow. She is near Pulaski, birthplace of the KKK. (Almost tempts me to visit such a notorious place.)
Veronica and I had hope that we might work out a life together. She would not settle to be with someone willing and drawn to love her. She threw the gauntlet down and insisted on marriage.
I was more cautious and needed more time. She left, then came back for a second try. She then recently came for a visit. I guess to convince herself this was not the place for her. Although the last conversation we had was over how she could get residency in Canada and be able to be covered my the Universal Health Plan.
Yesterday, the email. "I have moved." I responded wishing her well and suggesting we should not continue to correspond. I think it would be unfair to the other fellow. So much for my plans to visit her at her home in Alabama. Life moves on. On top of this is the "ending" of my email friendship of long standing with a woman in Venezuela and the marriage of a young woman I have been a confidant with in Knoxville, ( for which I am very pleased)I feel particularly alone and abandonned. Years ago, I was told by a therapist that it would be like this if I did not go into long term therapy, intimate relationship that would end with a painful price. I have come to be reasonably tough and willing to find whatever fullfilment I can in my aloneness!
My friend Veronica, with her new fresh face look. I actually preferred her in her Amish bonnet and cape dress. (Perhaps, it all felt so naughty dating the Amish lady.
Happier times when I was enjoying the possibility of being part of a couple again.
posted by Tossing Pebbles in the Stream @ 4:25 p.m.
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3 Comments:
Aw, that's so hard for you or anyone, but it seems to be the lot of some.
Oddly enough, marriage is the one thing that has worked well for me.
And ... I know what you mean about preferring female company.
Apparently you have a dark moment and are a little depressed. You should learn to be happy with yourself and never feel alone with yourself. It is not an easy way to learn. Even in a happy relationship you can feel alone if you haven't learned to support yourself. Sounds a little confused but I think it's the best way never to feel alone !
I appreciate your openness. I find relationships can be difficult. But that doesn't stop me from trying.
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