So You Thought You Invented Parenting
As a single father I used to think I invented the art of parenting. I certainly researched it and went about it with a plan in mind. (I think I was trying to prove to myself and others that fathers could do the mothering and it wasn't all that difficult.)
Reading a list of momism such as those below is humbling. In many ways I became my mother. I said many of these words of wisdom and admonition, not all for I had only one child who was a remarkable agreeable child to be with and raise.
One my mother used to say which is unique she shouted through the bathroom door. "Make sure you force back your foreskin and wash it good.?" I can't remember when she stopped doing that. It makes me smile even now. No wonder "smegma" became one of my favourite words.
How Smegma Serves the Penis
A partial list of Momisms
A little "birdy" told me!
All I do is follow you around, picking up after you like some maid.
Am I talking to a brick wall?Are you deaf or something?
Are you lying to me?
As long as you live under my roof, you'll do as I say
.Beds are NOT made for jumping on.
Call me when you get there, just so I know you're okay.
Close the door! You don't live in a barn.
Did you brush your teeth?Did you comb your hair?
Do as I say, not as I do.
Do you think I'm made of money?
Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up?
Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back.
Don't eat that, you'll get worms!
Don't go out with a wet head, you'll catch cold.
Don't make me get up!
Don't pick that scab, it'll get infected.
Don't pick your nose in public.
Don't run in the house.
Don't sit too close to the television, it'll ruin your eyes.
Don't talk with your mouth full!
Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!
Eat your vegetables, they're good for you.
Enough is enough!
Go play outside! It's a beautiful day!
Going to a party? Leave a phone number in case I need to call.
Going to a party? Who's going to be there?
Going to a party? Will the parents be home?
How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tasted it?
I brought you into this world, and I can take you right back out!
I can't believe you can sleep in this filth!
I didn't ask who put it there, I said "Pick it up!
I don't care what "everyone" is doing. I care what YOU are doing!
I don't have to explain myself. I said no.
I hope someday you have children just like you.I just want what's best for you.
I will always love you - no matter what.
If God had wanted you to have holes in your ears (eyebrows, tongue, etc.) He would have put them there!
If it were a snake, it would have bitten you.
If wishes were horses...
If you could stay out last night, you can get up this morning.
If you don't do it NOW, then when are you going to do it?
If you stick your tongue out again it will fall off.
If you're too sick to go to school, you're too sick to play outside.
I'm doing this for your own good.
I'm going to skin you alive!
I'm not going to ask you again.
I'm not your cleaning lady!
I'm not your waitress!
Isn't it past your bedtime?
It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust everyone else.
Life isn't fair.
Look at me when I'm talking to you.
Money does NOT grow on trees.
No child of MINE would do something like that.
Nobody asked you.
Over my dead body!
Pick that up before somebody trips on it and breaks their neck!
Pick up your feet.
Put that down! You don't know where it's been!
Say that again and I'll wash your mouth out with soap.
Shut the door! I'm not heating (air conditioning) the entire neighborhood!
Shut your mouth and eat.
So it's raining? You're not sugar -- you won't melt.
So what if Bob's mom let him do it? If Bob's mom let him jump off the Empire State Building, would you want me to let you do it too?
Someone is going to end up crying.
There's enough dirt in those ears to grow potatoes!
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Turn that racket (music) down!
Watch your mouth!
Well, I haven't figured out how to cook "cold" yet.
Well, people in Hell want ice water too!
What did I say the FIRST time?
What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?
What part of NO don't you understand?
When I was a little girl...
When I was young we had respect for our elders, now look at the world!
When I was your age, I had to walk ten miles through the snow, uphill, by myself, to go to school.
When will you be back?
When you have your own house then you can make the rules!
Where do YOU think you're going?
Who died and left you boss?
Who do you think you're talking to?
Who taught you THAT?
You didn't learn that in this house!
Wipe your feet!
You can't find it? Well, I can't find it for you - I didn't wear it!
You can't find it? Well, I can't find it for you - I'm not the maid!
You can't find it? Well, if you'd put things where they belonged, you wouldn't have this problem.
You can't find it? Well, where did you leave it last?
You can't start the day on an empty stomach.
You don't always get what you want. It's a hard lesson, but you might as well learn it now.
You have an answer for everything, don't you?
You kids are trying to drive me crazy!
You must think rules are made to be broken.
You won't be happy until you break that, will you?
You'll understand when you're older.